As Week 13 gets underway, we sent our crack team of investigative reporters around the league to see how the teams are handling the stretch run.
SECOND DECK
The 11-1 juggernaut that is Second Deck continues to roll, rattling off 11 straight, following their week one loss to the Skippers. Overcoming D-Hop’s steroid suspension, Mike Williams’ injury, and avoiding Alvin Kamara’s impending assault trial till after the season, they’ve managed to produce the #1 offense in the league. Additionally, they have been fortunate enough to face the weakest schedule of any team, so that’s usually a winning combination. When asked how they planned to stay motivated against the 12th-place Boosters this week, they responded;
FLYING DUTCHMEN
After starting 8-2, the Dutchmen have dropped the last couple of games and now face the Marjorie Taylor Green-sponsored team from Texas, who has won three in a row and is fighting for a playoff spot. The teams seem to be passing each other on road to the postseason, and while the Dutchmen are still probable to get in, they’re not officially locked…
The team will try to get right this week, led by Trevor Lawrence visiting Ford Field, and a Lions’ passing defense that is ranked 9th best since the dismissal of Aubrey Pleasant.
THE MEXICO CITY QUASARS
The newly minted 3rd place team from south of the border will face off against Sir, This is a Wendy’s in Week Thirteen just as they get healthy. TNF did the Quasars some favors though, as all three of Coach Aioli’s players underperformed, and the updated Yahoo Projection now shows the Quasars as a 335-point favorite. All of these despite rostering two kickers. Incredible.
When asked about the matchup against Team Wendys, Tyreek Hill said he planned to “treat their defense the way I treat my pregnant girlfriend” – whatever that means.
WASHINGTON SENTINELS
The 7-5 Washington Sentinels team, who have gone 3-1 over the last month, finish the season with a murder’s row of opponents (WK12 Second Deck, WK13 Skippers, WK14 Quasars) will look to rebound after last week’s drubbing. QB Lamar Jackson, who was utterly dominant earlier this year (602 in WK2, 450 in WK3), and has only broken 300 twice since, will need to have a big game to put down Coach Jones’ team, the 2nd-rated offense for the year and the league’s high scorer last week.
The Sentinels will likely need to take at least one of these last two games to avoid the consolation bracket and make a run for the trophy.
RED BANK MALLRATS
Much like Team Wendy’s, the Mallrats TNF showing was a bit of a disappointment to the fanbase. Still struggling to replace the injured Dallas Goedert, Buffalo TE Dawson Knox finished the game with 0 catches and an assisted tackle. This team has struggled offensively all year as they’ve dealt with nagging injuries and snap counts (Swift, St. Brown, Taylor, Herbert, etc), but appear to finally be getting healthy, which means now the shortcomings will simply be proof of inept roster-building rather than injuries. In recent weeks, GM Kronner has made some questionable moves (dropping Jeff Wilson, Treylon Burks, David Long, etc) and brought in Browns QB Deshaun Watson to back up Herbert. This is a move that has already upset locker room chemistry and might prove to have been yet another miscalculation. This is sure to have a negative effect on the kicking game, for some reason.
Meanwhile, at Mallrats practice this week…
C TAN VS. THE WORLD
After a surprising upset loss to the Mallrats in Week 12, C Tan faces another team fighting for their playoff life – the Burrito Warrior. Like every other team that had players going on TNF, C Tan underperformed with Josh Allen failing to reach 300 points for only the third time this year. Chris will need his three-headed dragon of Adams, Brown and Chubb to all show up to avoid another upset this week, as Joe Burrow always seems to put up big numbers against Kansas City.
The return of Watson this week could make Chubb more valuable – or in classic Browns fashion – could totally implode and fail miserably.
QANON
Coach Kaiser has one of the hottest teams in the league right now, and if he can pull off a win this week, he’s likely into the postseason. This week we see a change at Quarterback, as Geno Smith will get the start against a Rams team devoid of Aaron Donald’s presence this week. Given the spiral the Rams are falling down, Smith could be in line for a big week.
When asked about his benching this week, previous starter Tua Tagovailoa replied;
SC4_SKIPPERS
The Skippers finish out the season against the Kregers, taking on the Sentinels this week. Coming off a huge blowout win in Week Twelve, Coach Jones is feeling pretty confident. Josh Jacobs put in a dominating performance last week but is Questionable to play this week, and if he does, he might be on a snap count.
The Skippers will need to win both of their remaining games to get into the post-season – plus get some help elsewhere. The locker room seemed in high spirits though, as the team is confident in their chances.
BURRITO WARRIOR REVIVAL
After a 5-1 start, the Warriors have dropped six in a row, but are still alive, but they need to win out and get some help in the next two weeks. This week they face off with C Tan, which is no easy task. Big games by Burrow and Ekeler though could put the Burritos in a good spot, but it remains to be seen as to what exactly caused this slide in the first place. It’s almost as though the Coach is distracted by something…
SIR, THIS IS A WENDYS
Since back-to-back trips to the Championship game in 2015-2016, Coach Aioli is an abysmal 26-52, worst in the league. That said, he’s still alive this year, and at 5-7 can get into the playoffs with 2 wins and some help elsewhere (Jones and Ryan drop at least one game, and 2/3 [Kaiser, Chris and Kronner] drop both). The mood in his locker room however seemed less cheery than it did when we visited the Skippers.
With games against the Quasars and C Tan, it’ll be a tall task for Sir, This is a Wendy’s to pull it off. Aioli will need the Lions (Williams and Goff) to light the Jags up at home, and for Spartan superstar KW9 to have a big game to upset Entrenador Sanchez.
THE TIM BRADYS
The Tim Brady’s are primed to set a new record for points by a kicker as they face off against the worst special teams defense in league history. Already out of the playoff hunt, Coach Serruys still has an opportunity to play spoiler and wreck the Mallrats season here. With old man Brady being featured this week on MNF, it seems the GOAT is due for a monster game, even if the Saints usually fair pretty well against Tampa.
Given the Mallrats came scored below projection in almost every game this year, their projected lead is a mirage and this game is a total toss-up. When asked for comment on the matchup, Tim Brady wideout Amari Cooper said he’s too focused on avoiding Watson in showers to worry about that kind of thing.
FANDUEL BOOSTERS
And then there was one. Coach McLeod pulled off an 11th-hour upset last week against the 2nd-seeded Flying Dutchmen, thus avoiding what could have been the league’s first winless season by an active manager since 2001 (The Flying Dutchmen, coincidently). It’s like the 1972 Dolphins out here protecting their record.
This week the FanDuel Booster will try to make it two in a row, in the only game this week without playoff implications attached to it.
SC League Forever 